Office Monkey Blog

Great minds think alike

So, this lady in Iowa decided she'd rather play dead than pay her traffic fines.

And, I would honestly be judging her right now (and harshly), if a few short weeks ago, I wasn't totally trying to figure out how I could get maternity leave from my job by pretending to be pregnant.

Glitter II? Hell yeah, bitches!

It looks like Mariah Carey is going to be starring in another movie.

According to E! Entertainment Online:

The singer has signed on to star in the independent film Tennessee, playing a waitress who teams with her two brothers to search for their estranged father in an effort to help the youngest brother, who has leukemia.

The only weird thing about the article is that it doesn't mention what role her breasts will be playing. Unless those are her two "brothers."

I'd also like to apologize in advance to my boyfriend, whom I will most definitely force to watch this with me--many times--because I plan on purchasing the DVD as soon as is humanly possible.

I almost forgot...

...to mention my Danny Bonaduce sighting from 2 weekends ago.

Umm...

I guess there's not really a story there. Just wanted to let you know I saw him on his motorcycle at a red light.

And recognized him.

And then he drove away.

That's it, really.

My underappreciated opus

OK, I'm preparing you for the lameness of the upcoming joke I'm about to make...

I made a movie once about how I like to quit my job and try to write, whilst living off my savings.

I called it, "Broke-Ass Mountain."

Thanks for indulging me, folks. It's been a slow day.

Fabulosity! What It Is And How To Get It!

I just now stumbled upon an ad for Kimora Lee Simmons' book, "Fabulosity! What It Is And How To Get it!" I think I may have thrown in one too many exclamation points, but when you think about it, are there ever really ENOUGH exclamation points in the world to describe fabulosity(!)?

I'm not sure what fabulosity is (clearly I've got some readin' to do), but I have a feeling attaining it probably has a something to do with learning how to make up words and swathing yourself in flimsy cheetah-print clothing. Hmm...I have a feeling ol' Star Jones may know a thing or two about fabulosity...

In any case, my doctor tells me that if you get it, 2 weeks of 400mg a day on penicillin will clear it right up. Just make sure you don't scratch, cause you might infect the affected area.

Oh George Michael...

When I first read the headline, "George Michael Arrested for Drugs Allegations," on the Drudge Report, my heart sank.

However, after I clicked on the link to the article, I was relieved to discover that the young Bluth boy was still the fresh-faced, innocent sweetheart I knew and loved him to be--and definitely not the George Michael referred to in the article.

Now, when the guilty George Michael (whom I also know and love for completley opposite reasons) was caught with the drugs, his reaction was that it was his "own stupid fault, as usual."

Aww, George. I still love ya.

Show some respect, people. This is the man who brought you the supermodel explosion, otherwise known as the "Freedom" music video.

A hag remembers these things, George. A hag remembers...

Teacher has sex with 11-year old student...blech

And now, Wendie A. Schweikert finds herself held on $100,000 bond in her home state of North Carolina. The young boy was reportedly frightened that she would be released and frankly, who can blame him? She's no Mary Kay Letourneau...

In any case, there is a silver lining to this otherwise completely disgusting and dark cloud...at least the bitch ain't from Georgia.

Happy Friday!

If this doesn't make you smile, your soul is clearly dead.

Temporarily out of business...

Just wanted to let you know, the blog has been slow lately cause I'm in the midst of a job transition! Woo hoo!

But have no fear--different office, same ol' monkey.

;)

Lisa T.

On the subject of religion

The controversy over the Danish cartoon rages on.

See, I told you that believing in stuff just leads to trouble. That's why I place all my faith in Gwen Stefani and Destiny's Child.

And cheese.

Havarti, to be exact, melted on toasted pumpernickel.

The Odd Couple--Reality Style

A man in Florida bludgeoned his roommate to death over the fact that there was no toilet paper in the house.

Oh Max and Felix, you and your hijinks! You two really ARE incorrigible!

C'mon now, Spike

Now, we all know I loves my nerds (especially those of the independent film derivation), but Spike is looking downright Urkelesque these days. Does he even have shoulders, or are his arms connected directly to his neck?

And if his outfit weren't crazy enough, he's got the look on his face of someone who is clapping because everyone else is clapping although really, all he can think about are the tots that he shoved in his pants pocket during lunch and how badly he would like to eat them right at this moment.

Hey, let's not get crazy

I am currently enjoying the fact that even though this maniac is wearing a flame-spewing helmet of death, he/she decided to wear knee and elbow pads, "just to be safe."

Goddammit

Fuck the bird flu--this is what I'm worried about.

Bongiorno Principesa!

Italian director and actor Roberto Benigni (R) poses with Italian actress Nicoletta Braschi during a photocall to present his film 'La Tigre e la Neve' ('The Tiger and the Snow') running out of competition at the 56th Berlinale International Film Festival in Berlin February 17, 2006. The festival runs from February 9-19. REUTERS/Arnd Wiegmann

But what the caption fails to mention is that these two are married and just about the cutest couple on the planet.

See? I'm not always hateful. It is Friday, after all.

My desk...

...is a mess.

You know how when someone has an organ transplant, the antibodies in their body will attack the organ because they recognize it as an invader? Well, that's what I think is happening with my workspace, only this time my desk is the organ and the antibodies are all the pieces of paper and file folders that are attacking it with great gusto.

And I was having a little bit of a shame-fest over it (without actually doing anything to resolve it, of course) until I found this.

ANTM continues...

So, Cycle 6 is about to start in March. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to care. I'll have to see how my Wednesday nights are looking.

I see they've at least discarded the pretense of ever picking a plus-size model as the winner.

Here's the UPN site for Cycle 6, which makes it look a lot like this season has been dedicated to the memory of "Ferngully."

Stay tuned...I'm sure I've got more opinions on this that I don't know about just yet.

How you like me now, bitches?

Check out the new look, y'all. I just gave the ol' Office Monkey Blog a makeover and I'm feeling mighty fine.

Lookit. Your girl's all grown up.

Lisa T.

I smell a faux-limey

Rockers the Kaiser Chiefs, pictured in 2005, had a riot at the annual Brit Awards, picking up a hattrick of prizes at the biggest and most prestigious night of the country's music calendar.(AFP/File/Stan Honda)

"Had a riot?" A "hattrick of prizes?" Did Gwyneth Paltrow write this caption?

If a real British person wrote it, then I rescind my disdain.

If not, then I re-rescind it and with vigor.

Don't fuck with us, chicken. We know you did it.

A laying hen is seen under a lamp at a poultry farm near Duesseldorf, western Germany. European leaders took urgent new action to counter fast-multiplying outbreaks of bird flu, ordering poultry indoors to avoid infection but urging consumers not to panic.(AFP/DDP/Volker Hartmann)

I like that they're urging consumers not to panic, yet this chicken is being depicted as a perp in "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit."

Boxing, schmoxing...phooey

Shane Mosley looks in the mirror Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006, in Las Vegas. Mosley will face Fernando Vargas in a WBA boxing light middleweight title eliminator on Feb. 25, at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in Las Vegas. (AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)

I don't get boxing.

It would be much easier for me to understand two people in a ring who weren't allowed to leave until one had completely destroyed the other's psyche, using references to mistakes the other had made in his or her personal life in the near or distant past.

Now that, I would watch.

And we could call it Family Reunion.

If I weren't such a darn romantic...

On my way to the mailroom this morning, I was thinking about what my friend, Jenn, said a while ago about how her husband will end up being the man, who is willing to do all her paperwork.

And I started thinking about my big fears in life--and what I would want someone to protect me from. I then concluded that in all honestly, the biggest fear I have is probably that my toilet, shower and/or sinks will at some point not work.

And I realized that if I weren't prone to falling in love, I would probably at some point, shift focus and decide to find a guy who knows how to repair any plumbing problems that might arise in my life.

Teri-fying Confessions of a Desperate Housewife Wannabe

Teri Hatcher has recently said that she is ready to just go ahead and be monogamous and that her love-life has been pretty boring for months now. She goes on to say that if she were to have an online dating profile it would "have to have the word 'desperate' in it," along with, "funny and creative and smart and spontaneous. And sexy."

It's nice to know that even though the woman makes more money in a day that I could ever spend at Target in a lifetime, I have a boyfriend and she doesn't and I, THEREFORE, win.

Did you hear that, Teri Hatcher? I win at the game of life. And you lose.

Can you hear me through that sheer dress that costs more than my car? Huh? Can you?

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys...if you want grandkids

So, Willie Nelson just recorded and released a song about gay cowboys, entitled, "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other)."

I gotta tell ya, between this new development and creating alternative fuel sources, that Willie Nelson is one busy country singer.

Which begs me to pose the question to one Billy Ray Cyrus (in the immortal words of Janet Jackson [cause yes, I am nasty]):

Billy Ray, what have you done for me...LATELY?

Poor Scott Stapp

It looks like Scott Stapp got arrested for being drunk the day after his wedding.

I do kind of feel sorry for the guy. I mean, he's sort of internationally recognized as a big dork--the guy who didn't get the memo that alternative Christian rock music is never cool--something no amount of wife-beaters and leather pants can remedy. Honestly, I feel like granting it "genre" status is a pretty generous move on my part, but hey, I guess it's just my traditional heathen upbringing talking.

Well, on this day of St. Valentine, I wish those two lovebirds the best. Good luck. Maybe they can consult Em and Kim on how they make it work.

To all my monkeys...

Happy Valentine's Day! Make sure to consume plenty of chocolate and champagne for me.

XOXOXO,
Lisa

Still a bit rough around the edges,...

...Courtney Love has not looked this good in YEARS.

Kudos, chica.

Good Ol' Condie

Say what you will about this photo, I don't think her hair's ever looked more natural and less robotic EVER.

Not a fan

Don't get me wrong--I'm not one to discriminate against tattoos--but you have to admit that Kelly's choice of tattoo placement has left her looking a bit like the US Postal Service handled her internationally at some point in time.

That is too adorable

Some well-meaning intern accidentally sent a 2006 Grammy Invite to The Insane Clown Posse.

Too cute.

Just gimma da light, yo

My only hope is that Sean-Paul decided that in lieu of dressing like a normal human being, he would take the 2006 Grammys as his opportunity to publicly clown K-Fed.

Oh, Nancy O'Dell

As a pedestrian, I find the stripes on her hair comforting.

Ignoring their desperate pleas,...

...Hammer opted instead to go ahead and "hurt 'em."

Such the jokestress

Madonna makes a joke about her diva reputation.

World laughs uncomfortably WITH her until she leaves the room, and it can roll its eyes and laugh AT her for real, yo.

HOWEVER, Madonna's crotch gets angry because it was still in the room and heard the whole thing. In reaction, it thrashes about violently on the dance floor.

World left traumatized.

While you've been sleeping,...

...Willie's been working on the energy crisis--between writing songs, of course.

Hey y'all...

...this is what heaven tastes like.

Jesus told me so.

Ken's getting a makeover

Hollywood stylist Phillip Bloch unveils Mattels restyled Ken doll at the American International Toy Fair, Thursday, Feb. 9, 2006, in New York. The world's No. 1 toy maker said Thursday it has given Barbie's boyfriend a makeover, calling him 'a changed man' who 'exudes a new sense of his own personal style.'
(AP Photo/Dima Gavrysh)

Yeah, they got Ken a stylist, ya know, cause he's not GAY enough as it is.

Wuddup, homie?

President Bush, right, looks at a commemorative bronze bust of himself after speaking at the Global War on Terror at the National Guard Memorial Building, Thursday, Feb. 9, 2006 in Washington. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

I wonder who's judging whom?

Brokeback Mountain: Part Deux?

BFF Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are set to do another movie together.

I'd bother to write something clever alluding to the synopsis that I read on Variety, but then again, who really cares?

Look very closely...

I suspect that were one to deconstruct this photo, one would find a total of:

1 real nose,
3 gallons of self-tanner,
a single strand of hair, maintaining its natural color, AND
half a penis.

Yeah, bro. I'm good.

Republican Whip Rep. Roy Blunt, R-Mo., left, talks with House Majority Leader Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio., right, prior to a bill signing on deficit reduction spending at the White House, Wednesday, Feb. 8, 2006.
(AP Photo/Susan Walsh)

I realize this photo is taken completely out of context and probably lasted less than a nanosecond.

Having had said that, can we please take a second and revel in the super-awkwardness that constituted the moment that made this photo possible?

Alert! Controversy!

This August 14, 2005, file photo shows a costumed competitor in a French pig-squealing contest at an agricultural fair. It was circulated this week in a pamphlet purporting to show images offensive to Islam. The photo has no connection with Islam or the caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad published in a Danish newspaper in September. The Associated Press has protested this misleading usage and is demanding that distributors stop circulating it. (AP Photo/Bob Edme, Files)

Personally, I think pigs and/or fat people should be offended, not Muslims.

But hey, that's just me.

The tiniest violin wails for you, Suicide Girls...

I recently read some article in Jane Magazine about the Suicide Girls and how some girls were complaining that they had originally thought they would be working for a cool guy, who wouldn't treat them like they were run-of-the-mill porn stars, but then he blew their minds by treating them like he thought of them as run-of-the-mill porn stars.

To this, I have to say, I'm OH-SO-SORRY that you ladies were mislead into thinking that you were going to be able make money to support your cost-of-living expenses (i.e., new and exciting tattoos and/or piercings, weekly visits to your hairstylist for dye jobs and bang trims à la Betty Page, obligatory Saturday night punk rock shows,...) by laying around all day and having your picture taken.

Tis a cruel, cruel world indeed. Next thing you know, you poor things will be forced to be...GASP...office monkeys!

Welcome to my world, bitches.

Another reason Gwyneth Paltrow bugs me

I know I'm behind the times, bringing up Gwyneth's annoying mispronunciation of Anthony Hopkins' name as AnTony, but you're also talking to a girl who didn't start listening to Nirvana long after Kurt Cobain was dead.

Needless to say, I'm gonna go ahead and rant.

OK, first of all, your name is Gwyneth. GWYNETH. I'm sure that you were probably that bitch in school who corrected the sub in class whenever she called roll and accidentally said your name wrong, even though you shouldn't have given a fuck cause c'mon, she's just a sub and there for only one day, so shut up you whiny drama club baby and let her finish taking roll already.

Secondly, you named your kid Apple and I'm sure you expect people to say it to her face without bursting into laughter on a repeated basis. The man's name is Anthony. It's not hard to remember. It's pretty standard. You worked with him, right? Unless, maybe it's some kind of inside joke where he called you GwyneTT on set and in retaliation, you were all, "Oh yeah, you think that little 'h' you left out isn't a big deal? Well, let's see how you like me now, AnTony! Ha! I mean, A!"

Or maybe, it's a stupid thing where you think that the original British pronunciation of Anthony's name can't POSSIBLY be the same as the pronunciation the rest of us unenlightened po' folk in the New (and therefore less cultured) World use and so you thought you'd school us. Like when Americans make movies set in any country in Europe and have all the actors use British accents, even if it's set in France or Italy, and NOT the United Kingdom.

Either way, I still think you're boring. And so is Coldplay. Except for that "Yellow" song.

Temporarily Unavailable...

Hey guys, your beloved Office Monkey apologizes profusely for the lack of posts these past few days. She's been busy with (of all things) office work.

Yeah, I know. It sucks.

If you're patient, soon you shall be rewarded with a plethora of appreciative anecdotal rants.

XOXOXO
Lisa

Hard-hitting journalism

Aww, just look at their earnest, pouty faces.

They almost look as if someone told them their job is to cover actual news.

So precious.

Check it out

It's Sarah Silverman's lesser-known, cartoony, exhibitionist younger sisters.

Just kidding. It's some stupid triplets that I saw in the National Enquirer who all got boob jobs.

I hate America sometimes.

You know the expression...

...you can't tell a book by its cover?

Well, what they don't tell you is that you totally can.

So, my pretties, judge away.

The dangers of office equipment

Yeah, maybe I'm not working in a factory, or on a battlefield, but don't be fooled--my cubicle is no child's playground.

Earlier today, I was hole-punching some budgets and one misstep later, my middle finger on my right hand was bleeding. At first, I thought I had hole-punched myself, but then upon further inspection of the device, realized that was probably not likely, but that I had received instead a very nasty pinch.

Basically, I hole-pinched myself and for the entire day today, have been reminded of how nefarious my working conditions are every time I've had to type the numbers 8, 9 and the letter i.

To wit, OUCH, OUCH and OUCH.

office monkey blog

Tuesday, February 28, 2006